Skirting Danger: Women's Safety

S1-E1: True Crime: Host Jeryl Spear Interviews Intimate Homicide Surviver and How You Can Avoid Becoming the Victim of a Sociopath

• Jeryl E. Spear • Season 1 • Episode 1

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Discover the gripping true crime story of Dr. Jan Canty, who was thrust into a world of deception and danger after the shocking murder of her husband, Dr. Al Canty. As Jan bravely opens up about her journey of betrayal and resilience, she offers profound insights into recognizing and avoiding deceitful individuals, making this an episode you won't want to miss. Join us as we explore how her expertise as a clinical psychologist and her harrowing personal experiences provide invaluable lessons for anyone navigating relationships in today's complex world.

Website:
https://jancantyphd.com/
Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/domino-effect-of-murder/id1497819808
TikTok:    https://www.tiktok.com/@jancantyphd
Amazon:
https://www.amazon.com/s?k=Jan+Canty&crid=H1T9A7Z726H3&sprefix=jan+canty%2Caps%2C155&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Skirting Danger Music by Brad Poirier www.hairstylistempowermentpodcast.com


Speaker 1:

Eyes wide open, never looking away In a world full of shadows. I know how to play, I see the lines you try to cross.

Speaker 2:

But I'm ten steps ahead. You're already lost. I've learned to leave the room before I walk in. With every glance I see where you've been. No fear, no prey. I own my own lane. You'll never get close. I'm stealing clear of your game. Skirt in danger. I'm free and alive. I'm touching the traps while I thrive. I see through the lies that last you were living. Safe doesn't mean I'm scared. Skirt in danger. I'm sharp and wise. Trust my cut, never blind my eyes. In control. I choose my path. No need to follow cutting my own path you can't fool me.

Speaker 1:

I see through your charm, I stay. The following podcast contains explicit information about violence and deception, crime prevention and how all women can lead safer lives.

Speaker 2:

You can't touch me in this sacred space.

Speaker 1:

Skirt in danger, I'm free and alive. Hello, lovelies, welcome to Season 1, episode 1 of Skirting Danger. I'm Gerald Spear and I am the creator and host of our podcast. First off, a big welcome to all of you.

Speaker 1:

I'm absolutely thrilled to have you here with me for our premiere episode. If you're feeling less safe than you did just a few years ago, have been a victim of crime or want to prevent becoming one, you're in the right place. Skirting Danger is focused on how you can live as safely and freely as possible. Over the coming season, we'll be covering a myriad of topics that will help all of us skirt the many dangers that we, as women, face daily. As part of our Skirting Danger program, you'll be hearing from real-life victims telling their stories and what they've learned from their experiences, expert advice by police and private detectives, bodyguards, cybersecurity experts, travel safety specialists, psychologists and even reformed criminals. All of our experts will be sharing a wealth of safety information and tactics, including assessing threats, mastering situational awareness, easily detecting online posers, keeping your purse and your financial information safe, and so much more. We have an amazing guest this week, the illustrious Dr Jan Canty, who will be speaking about experiencing the ultimate betrayal and loss and several professional tips on how you can avoid falling for a con man or conning yourself. In addition to being a clinical psychologist, dr Canty has written two books, a Life Divided and what. Now she has a podcast, the Domino Effect of Murder and an amazing TikTok channel. I have included all pertinent links to Jan Canty's website, her social media pages, her TikTok channel and where you can purchase her books in our show notes. You can purchase her books in our show notes. Before we dive into today's episode, I want to let you know about our Skirting Danger newsletter. It offers more insights into women's safety, current scams and how to deal with them, and many ways to move on from bad situations with them. And many ways to move on from bad situations. It's free for all our podcast followers, so hit that follow or like button and check out the show notes for the subscription link.

Speaker 1:

Our guest this week not only experienced the ultimate betrayal in her marriage, but also the murder of her philandering husband. It's a cautionary, true tale about no matter how smart you are, no matter how educated you are, you can still be duped if you give your heart too freely or you're too trusting in any way. The murder we'll be talking about took place in 1985. During that time, jan was enrolled in her PhD program, an educational ambition that took nearly all of her attention and kept her cloistered in her study or buried by mountains of books at a university library when she wasn't actually attending classes. Needless to say, she led a low-risk lifestyle and assumed her husband. Dr Alcanti did as well, but she was wrong. Her husband had a well-hidden, salacious side to his personality that took over their lives. After receiving a check for $500 as a birthday gift from his mother who knew right?

Speaker 1:

While Jan was busy commuting back and forth to school and attending classes, her husband, who embodied Mr Milk Toast in his personality dress and physical presentation, decided to spend his birthday money in the seediest and most dangerous area of Detroit. He even created an alter identity for the occasion. He became a wealthy widower and medical doctor who routinely and heroically saved lives at an area hospital. On that fateful day, with plenty of jingle in his pocket and mischief on his mind, he met his Lolita, a young street prostitute who was peddling her flesh to feed her and her violent boyfriend's drug addictions, and put a shabby roof over their heads. Exhilarated by the thrill of flirting with danger and tasting the forbidden fruits of this downtrodden area of Detroit, Alcanti's alternate universe soon consumed him, to the point that he began what he thought was exercising his superpowers, namely a superior intellect and a surplus of money. From the very start he became their willing mark who foolishly gave them every dollar he could muster, and when that wasn't enough, he paid with his life. He paid with his life.

Speaker 1:

I recommend that you read Jan Canty's book A Life Divided, where she delivers a mesmerizing true story of what happened to her and what made a much older man who was already an established psychologist with a creme de la creme clientele, to act on his well-hidden madness. The following is part one of my interview with Jan Canty. Part two is also included in this episode. Hello, dr candy good morning.

Speaker 2:

How are?

Speaker 1:

I'm excellent. Thanks for joining us. So let's dive right into our interview. I know I'm anxious to hear what you have to say and I know our listeners are too. Here we go. You mentioned on your website, and I'm quoting I know too well the feeling of isolation, the struggle to find information, the wish to be understood, the fight to organize and prioritize tasks while searching for crumbs of hope. What on earth happened to bring you to that point in your life?

Speaker 2:

So my husband was 18 years older than me. He was a psychologist in Detroit, had a very good practice. I was following in his footsteps, so to speak. I wanted to be to travel, take vacations or outside of having dinners together. We didn't have a lot of time together, in fact, on Sundays he would spend a lot of time with his widowed elderly mother and he worked on Saturdays. So we didn't have a lot of time together. But what time we did have was fairly peaceful and, as I indicated, he was very supportive of my life dreams.

Speaker 1:

We've had several interactions before this actual interview, and during one of those previous conversations you were describing the idyllic life that you felt you had, and then one day, out of the blue, things went horribly wrong. What happened that made you realize that not only was your life that you thought you knew gone, but that it could very well have been an illusion all along.

Speaker 2:

Well, the day came in July of 85. We had a terrible storm that day in Detroit. It was a hailstorm, lots of rain, wind, in the middle of summer and he was supposed to come home at seven. He called me at three and said I'll be home at seven and it was a very short conversation and that was the last we spoke. He never came home, never heard from him again and I was frantic. It was so unlike him and of course initially I thought well, maybe it's the storm, but after 24 hours that's not the storm. And this is before cell phones.

Speaker 2:

The police weren't going to help me because in the beginning he hadn't been missing for 24 hours. And when I tried to report him they wouldn't listen to me. They said oh, he's probably out with the guys. I mean they, they just brushed me off. Long story short, I waited 10 days. They just brushed me off. Long story short. I waited 10 days. Nothing happened. He didn't turn up.

Speaker 2:

I exhausted all my attempts to figure out what could have happened and on the 10th day I got a phone call from Detective Marlis Landeros from the Detroit Homicide Division saying she was going to come by to pick me up, to bring me down to police headquarters in Detroit, come by to pick me up, to bring me down to police headquarters in Detroit and of course, with that phone call I knew how this was going to end. She came, we went down, I met with Inspector Gil Hill, who was the chief of homicide. I was treated very well, I might add, by both of them and they told me at that point they were suspicious that he'd been murdered, but they didn't have his body yet. But it was a matter of time and they would be in touch.

Speaker 2:

In the meantime, go home and look at your expenses, look at your bank accounts, because we have been told he was doling out a lot of money in the Cass Corridor area of Detroit, which at that point in time was the red light district and a place where there was a lot of drugs and a lot of guns and prostitution you name it illegal activity which described. He liked to read the newspaper every day and have dinner at a regular time and worked a lot of hours and tinkered on his cars, and we weren't ones to go out to parties or flash money or anything like that. And I didn't have time anyway, I was so busy with my doctorate. But no, he was a very quiet almost, I would say no, he was a very quiet almost, I would say kind of an awkward socially individual.

Speaker 1:

As earth-shaking as everything up to that point had to have been for you, you still had more bad news ahead of you.

Speaker 2:

Exactly. And so they called me down to the headquarters police headquarters, not much longer later and I went down there with my parents they had flown in by this time from Arizona and we all went down together and, in short, they were very short on words, very short on time. I mean they had no time for me because that year alone there was, at that point in time there was already 600 murders in Wayne County and projected to be close to 900 before the year was out. So I was a number. At this point, I mean they treated me well I want to add that but they didn't have time for me.

Speaker 2:

It was like quick slam dunk, get on with the next murder. So, in very few words, I was called in and he said this is the detective. Landeros is here and she's going to take you over to the morgue. We want you to identify your husband and we'll be in touch. I mean it was like a couple of sentences and on the way there I'm in her squad car, she's preparing me for what I'm going to see, which was pretty accurate, because he'd been dismembered. He'd been buried in three different graves sites shallow graves in a bog that was owned by the University of Michigan where they studied roadkill and mosquitoes, and it was, god awful.

Speaker 1:

Oh my gosh. So you're on your way to the morgue to view your husband's head.

Speaker 2:

Which had been buried 10 days Now. Today they wouldn't do that. Today they have DNA and other sophisticated methods for identifying people. So in fact, I had one homicide detective tell me that that was a questionable procedure because he was so disfigured. How would you be able to recognize him? Would that even hold up in court?

Speaker 1:

That's a good point. How did you manage to identify him?

Speaker 2:

His hair had not changed and his face shape had not changed, but a lot of other things had changed. I think the real reason they had me do it in retrospect is not to identify him. They knew who he was. I think the real reason they had me do it in retrospect is not to identify him. They knew who he was. I think the real reason was that they had to have a reason to put me on the witness stand, because I had no knowledge of the people who killed him. I had no knowledge of his secret life that had been going on for at least 18 months. So they had to have a reason to put me on the witness stand. So they manufactured one, and that would be to tell the court what you saw when you were in the morgue. I mean, I think that was the whole rationale for it to create an impact on the judge and jury. I should say not court.

Speaker 2:

I did not go to the corpus. This was for the preliminary hearing. I had to describe under oath what I saw, right, and the questions they asked were pretty stupid questions like did you give anybody permission to dissect your husband's body? And first of all, he wasn't dissected, he was dismembered. There is a difference. And secondly that's a stupid question that was in July and then the preliminary hearing in December of that year, and then I elected not to go to the trial, simply because I didn't want to breathe the air in this room with those two people. And secondly, I did not want to give the media one more reason to be in my face because they were relentless, disrespectful, intrusive, heartless and caused me. It doubled the pain I was in psychologically and by that time also I understood that the trial was not for me. They weren't there to support me. This wasn't about me. This was a case for the district attorney to puff his chest out and get a conviction on camera. I was really just collateral damage period. So I thought why participate? And I didn't.

Speaker 1:

I think that really showed true courage on your part. You decided what was best for you. The damage had been done, the state was going to have their way and no need putting yourself through any more. Good for you. So, going back for just a moment before the trial, certainly after the arrests of these three people, I'll just leave it at that. You can read the book. I just don't want to give them any airtime. You had another blow that was so devastating that it also impacted you for years. As I understand it, your husband sent you into a financial spiral.

Speaker 2:

Right Financially. Within a month or two, I found out that not only had he been giving up a lot of our money, we were $30,000 in debt in 1985, which is closer to $75,000, $80,000 today and we were behind on taxes, mortgage payments, car payments, he had taken out personal loans, et cetera. So I was in debt now on top of everything else. So that was the first revelation, the grief that was put on hold. I was so busy putting out fires. That was a luxury I couldn't even get there. At this point I had to worry about am I going to be homeless? Am I going to have the IRS at my door? Is the media going to wake me up in the middle of the night? Am I physically going to be able to sustain what it is I have in front of me? There were so many multiple demands that it was like a slow motion car accident. It was like every day. It was like what's it going to be today? Because there was no way it did not impact me.

Speaker 2:

It certainly impacted me maritally he was gone. It impacted me legally, because now I'm responsible for his debts and I've got to resolve the estates. It impacted me financially for years. It impacted me socially, because one of the truisms of homicide survivors, which most of us find out the hard way, is there is a gush of support in the beginning and during the trial and maybe at the time of the sentencing, but that's it.

Speaker 2:

By month three most people have gone back to their life and I think part of that is our responsibility. I think we push people away, we don't have time for them, we're so busy dealing with the aftershocks and secondly they get compassion fatigue and there's only so much they can do. But the net result is that we're pretty isolated after about three months and that does not improve. In fact, I just got done talking this week to somebody who's facing the 30-year parole hearing of her parents' murder and she said there's nobody that cares anymore. I mean so it starts out as a gush and it ends in nothing.

Speaker 2:

So socially it impacts you. It certainly impacts you spiritually because you're depleted. You have no sense of wonder or hope. At that point in time you don't feel safe in your own skin, in your own house. It impacted me vocationally because I was just starting out. I had just signed a lease for my own practice, I had just finished my postdoctoral fellowship. I mean like within 10 days that's how fresh it all was and people started canceling and I had this lease that I had just signed, and then the media was camping out in my waiting room, so that didn't help. So there really was no area of my life that this did not affect, and that would be true for years, not just in the immediate aftermath.

Speaker 1:

Jan was also publicly singled out in many ways. For instance, her home became part of the murder. Tour companies and people who were totally into true crime would actually sneak onto her property and steal little mementos as sort of a ghoulish way to remember the murder. She was afraid to go by her windows because the press would be hiding out in the bushes ready to snap a picture of her. She couldn't even go to the store because people would be nudging each other or walking up to her and saying aren't you, jan Canty? And to her it felt like she never really was able to do something normal, something that would be therapeutic for her, because people were morbidly curious about what had happened.

Speaker 1:

I asked Jan about the signs that must have been present prior to her husband's murder and, unsurprisingly, she didn't put two and two together until after Al Canty had played his last hand. Keep in mind that she was all consumed with earning her PhD at that time. It was a requirement for her chosen profession. Plus, let's face it, al Canty was good at leading a double life. He convinced Jan that he was going to work as usual, even though he hadn't been seeing patients for weeks, maybe even months, before his death. He always left and arrived home on time and unfortunately Jan didn't control or was even privy to the family finances.

Speaker 1:

Her husband did not slip up with her ever but the same could not be said for the criminals he was associating with. Mostly, he underestimated them. When Al began running out of money or at least money wasn't as plentiful the criminals went immediately to the end game. They wanted to find out who he really was, where he lived, where he worked and, most importantly, how much he was worth. As they gathered more and more information about Al, like vultures, they began circling their prey. Although still clueless about the nature of the problem, their activity began putting Jan on edge.

Speaker 2:

There was something in the air. I could not put my finger on it, but I began sensing danger and I think you know there was little things like hang-up calls. Okay, that's, you don't go from that to oh, I'm going to have a murder to deal with. But there was hang-up calls. When I was out gardening I found cigarette butts that were fresh on the side of my house and it had been raining for days, so they couldn't have been there long and they were tossed in an area that was between my house and my neighbor's yard, not a sidewalk in sight, and they were near a window. So I'm like what the hell is that? And I began to just feel itchy. You know, like something's happening here, and Al was belittling of that. He'd say, well, do you want me to get you a dog? And I said, no, I don't want a dog, I want to find out what's going on. I sense something isn't right. It left me feeling nuts. You know like am I being paranoid?

Speaker 1:

If you'll recall, al Canty also claimed that he was a widower. Once the criminals started investigating Al, they found out that he was more than likely married, and so they became very curious about Jan. One night, just days before her husband was murdered, they decided to follow her home. What their intentions were. To follow her home what?

Speaker 2:

their intentions were. Nobody knows to this day, because Jan outsmarted them. I was coming home at night, it was raining and I was going. I came home a different way, I don't remember why, but I went along Fox Creek Canal, which is very foggy, and it was raining, and this car was following me. It happened twice actually. One time I went back, I turned a circle and went back to a major road and the car took off.

Speaker 2:

So whether that was coincidence or not, I don't know, but the second time for sure because I would go slow, it would slow up, I'd speed up, it would speed up. And I knew the area like the back of my hand and I knew there was a dip in the road coming up and that I would be out of view for a few seconds. So I got up to that dip in the road, turned off my lights and sped up and drove a block and a half in the rain without headlights, made a screeching left-hand turn into my driveway and another left-hand turn onto the lawn and hid behind my hedge. And, sure enough, that car came. I could hear the muffler on it. It was an old car and I saw the car coming down the side street, stopping at every driveway, and it came to my driveway and paused, but didn't see anything and went on its way.

Speaker 1:

Being paranoid, at least in her mind. Jan thought are we going to be burglarized, Somebody casing our home? And so she decided to create an album of every drawer, every fine good they had, that they would have to claim on insurance if they were robbed, and made this into this voluminous album, which her husband took from the house without her knowledge and decided to show off to his criminal friends by sharing the contents of their household. In doing so, al Canty sealed his own fate and changed Jan Canty's life forever. Listening to Jan's true story, I personally have three strong takeaways that I will never forget and never fail to act on moving forward.

Speaker 1:

Number one prioritize and stay involved in your marriage, no matter how busy you are or how understanding your spouse may be. Number two always be involved in the business of your marriage, whether you take care of the family finances or not. Regularly review your bank statements, credit card statements and credit activity and scores on all major reporting agencies. And number three always trust your gut. If you feel that something is wrong, it probably is. Never hesitate to question and investigate, no matter how much you trust your spouse or partner. Welcome to part two of our interview with Jan Canty. Jan, what advice can you give our listeners about how to sidestep sociopaths, psychopaths, all the different paths, and also to recognize them early on? None of us are looking for a magic wand to be waved over each person who approaches us, but is there a screening process that you recommend?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I wouldn't want anybody going down the path I did.

Speaker 1:

If I can save one soul Amen on that one. I prefer to do that.

Speaker 2:

What I don't want is people conning themselves. And you know there is a reason to be cautious because half of first marriages end in divorce, second ones end 67% of the time end in divorce, second ones end 67% of the time and the third marriage ends in divorce 75% of the chance of time, and that's especially if they have children involved.

Speaker 1:

You think it would be the other way around, if nothing else.

Speaker 2:

No, I think having a mixed family makes it harder. In fact, my advice really is if you've got children, you might want to wait until they're well on their way before you get re-involved. That's hard advice.

Speaker 1:

I did that too.

Speaker 2:

After I adopted my children. I waited 10 years before I got involved, and I'm glad.

Speaker 1:

I did. It was far less complicated, also less stressful.

Speaker 2:

Yes, yes, complicated, also less stressful, yes, yes, so yeah, I want to make some comments like early, early on, like how to recognize what you might be getting yourself into, and then progressing it as the relationship unfolds, to the middle phase and then at the end, just some highlights. There's a lot more I could say, but the first thing is to ask, going in before you've even met the person before your eyes have even set on the individual you're about to meet.

Speaker 2:

Ask yourself could this person be one in the 10 people in the population who have antisocial personality disorder, which includes the narcissists, the psychopaths, the others that prey upon people? One in ten. And so it happens, it's real, and it doesn't matter the region, the ethnicity, the age, the gender, none of that matters. Just go in with that statistic in your head. Could this person be one in the 10? And then the second strong piece of advice, which I know is not popular these days, is go slow, capital, s-l-o-w, put on the brakes. I think they would love it if you complied with a hastened, fast pace, because they don't have to then be seen in a variety of situations, which is exactly what you need to do. You need to see them. How do they behave in a traffic jam? How do they behave when the food service is slow or bad? How do they behave when you keep getting interrupted by phone calls? You want to see them in a variety of situations over a period of time, and you can only do that if you space out your dates and keep in mind that a manipulator is more likely to screw up the longer time you give them because they're on display. This is like a play and it's hard to keep that going over a period of months, so go slow.

Speaker 2:

The third piece of advice I would have, going into this brand new date, is to look for contradictions, not only between their statements but their behavior. In their statements, for example, do they claim to be a pilot, but they're taking medication for diabetes? Because that's illegal? You can't do that. Or they say they're a chef, but you notice their fingernails are dirty. Or they have calluses on their hands. Do they have an indentation in their left ring finger and claim to be long divorced or never married, because that indentation on average takes about seven months to dissipate. Or simply his appearance doesn't match his age or accent or region of the country, because there's different expressions that people use, coming from my husband and my current husband. We've been together 17 years now. He's from the Southeast and he has different expressions in me He'll call it supper, I call it dinner. In fact, there's even a Reader's Digest map that you can look at called Regional Sayings. And so they say they're from the east but they're using West Coast expressions. That's kind of weird. There's a story there, at least.

Speaker 2:

So look for contradictions and don't be afraid to focus on that. And by doing that, you should also be trying to keep the focus on them, because they're not going to want that. They're going to want to open you up like a crack safe, because they're trying to figure out what do you have to offer me? You are a supply chain. If they are one in those 10 people, you are a supply chain. So they want to keep you talking, to find out are you worth the investment? Do you have something they need or want? Through your connections, through your job, through your finances, through your daughters, through whatever it might be. And you don't want to do that, you don't want to tip your hand, so you want to keep the focus on them, especially with reference to asking factual questions, because then you can check those out, like where they were from, where they went to school, where they work, what kind of car they drive, whatever it might be, because you want to. That's the litmus test is to compare what they say versus what you find out.

Speaker 1:

So many people are so enthralled because they want to know everything about them, they want to look in their eyes, they want to draw everything out that they possibly can and you forget that you're not focusing on them because you're so swept away. He's listening to me. He really thinks I'm important. He's all of these things.

Speaker 2:

And it is really kind of a subterfuge, isn't it? And they're good at it. I mean, you're so interesting, you're so intriguing, you're so pretty, you're well, I find you fascinating. Who wouldn't be buttered up by that? But that's just a means to get you to open up and they're looking for the code to your safe, to your head, and you don't want to go there, not now. You've got all kinds of time in the world to get into that. But see how they act when you try to keep the focus on them, especially with reference to questions that you can verify. If they start pushing you back or get irritated or just flat out refuse to answer, that's a red flag. So you want to keep the focus on them.

Speaker 2:

Another piece of advice, and this was given by a woman who is a detective with the Scotland Yard. She said you want to deliberately cancel if you have another date, that is, deliberately cancel at the last minute, or suggest some kind of change of plan at the last minute. You want to do that to find out. Can they roll with that? What's their reaction? Are they angry? Did they guilt trip you? Because if they do, they're telling you that your needs and wants are not as valuable as their needs and wants and they like being in control and that forecasts that kind of a relationship like being in control and that forecasts that kind of a relationship. So it's a little bit manipulative, but you've got a lot invested if you're going to go forward with this person, so change up at the last minute and see how they respond oh, that's amazing.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I can see that.

Speaker 2:

In addition to that, you want to go to a web search called True People's Search.

Speaker 2:

You want to go to a web search called True People's Search, t-r-u-e people's S-E-A-R-C-H dot com, because that's what you're going to go home and do.

Speaker 2:

After you get the factual information, check it out. Does it coincide with what you can find out about them online? It may sound a little sneaky, but in this day and age where we don't know the back, it's not like you're introduced to them by your aunt who's known the family for 20 years. This is a blind date with somebody you don't really know the history of, and so it behooves you to do your research and find out what you can find out early on, because that's where the most valuable information will be to head off a devastation in the future. And then this was a piece of information given to me by a CIA. I mean not to me directly, but I heard him talk about this. A CIA agent said this is what they actually use After meeting with a suspect or, in this case, a date you have two jars of marbles or two jars of stones or pieces of colored paper it doesn't matter what the object is, just so that they're of different colors and two jars, and what you want to do when you come home from that first date and do it every time you see that person is, if they've said something that is true and accurate and verifiable, then you put one color in one jar and if it's a lie, or if they get defensive or if there's something, a vibe that you get, that just isn't right, you put the opposite color in the other jar. And what you're trying to do is to look at how that pile adds up over time, because people tend to have short-term memories and when we feel loved, when we feel attractive, we can easily forget the negative, and this is a visual reminder of God over time. Look at the side that has the gray marbles. That's really adding up. And he said that's actually what CIA agents do, because you don't want to forget the negative, and that's real easy to do if somebody is very slick.

Speaker 2:

So let's assume, then, that you're dating and you're getting to know them a little bit better. What you want to do is to see them in a variety of situations with a variety of people from their life. That could be their neighbors, their co-workers, their adult children, their high school friends and their best friends, because best friends are a reflection of ourself. We tend to hang out with people like ourselves and you want to read them too. Do they seem like slicksters? Do they have a mean streak? Are their values not coincide with your own? But you want to see them in a variety of situations and this is part of the advantage as I said earlier about slowing down because you're on a mission for data. Data is your friend.

Speaker 2:

Besides seeing them in a variety of situations as you continue to date them, what you want to be alert to it's a red flag is to watch for, listen for and avoid any attempts by them to isolate you from your friends, from your job, from your family and certainly from your money. They might say things like oh, you don't need to work anymore. If we live in together or if we have a baby, I don't want you working. Or you don't need to own your own car, we can share a car. Those are all subtle attempts to control you, to limit you, to have you more under their control, and that's a huge red flag. You don't want to give up your independence.

Speaker 1:

I would imagine that having your friends exposed to that person and even your dog, you can get a lot of reactions and honest opinions before you get too deep in the weeds to that person and even your dog. You can get a lot of reactions and honest opinions before you get too deep in the weeds with that person.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, if you're dating them and your friends or your family is getting to know them and you want to make sure you ask them what their honest opinion is and listen to them with an open mind, because most likely they have your best interests at heart. And if in unison, they're going, uh-uh, I don't like him, there's something about him or listen to that, because love is not blind. In their situation, they're not looking at it through rose-colored glasses. So this is a time to expand and get a read on their friends, the context that they live in and how they treat their friends and their co-workers and their neighbors and their adult children. It's all information.

Speaker 1:

What can your dogs tell you about that person?

Speaker 2:

Dogs are very, very perceptive. If you happen to have one and they don't like your date, that is a huge red flag, because they also have your best interests at heart and they don't get distracted by how good looking someone is, how much money they have, how persuasive that they can talk. They're purely instinctual and even though it's nonspecific and even though they don't speak languages, their body behavior certainly does. And in addition to that, if your dog is picking up a negative vibe about an individual, they also could be reading your apprehension about that person that you don't want to admit to Take it seriously.

Speaker 1:

I actually had a dog, my beloved dog of all time. She's gone now, but she was a big dog and she was definitely an alpha female and I had a friend over that I was seeing and had been for a little while, but first time I had him at the house, okay, and she went up behind him and stuck her muzzle through his back leg, you know, through his legs from behind, and pushed him out the door and he said, well, I guess I'm going now. Wow. You've got to trust your dog.

Speaker 2:

Yes, you do. You do While you're dating. Another thing that's a huge red flag is any time that they have an expectation that it's proof of love or trust or just normal for you to share your passwords, your keys, to loan your card to them. That's not appropriate. That's boundary crossing, and people that push the boundaries the most need them the most. So you got to know what your personal boundaries are and then watch for who pushes against them the most. That's not healthy.

Speaker 1:

Yes, that's good advice.

Speaker 2:

Don't share your passwords, don't share your keys, your car, et cetera. And then again, in this middle phase starting to date more regularly, and then again in this middle phase starting to date more regularly, when you get home from those dates, sit and think about it. What were the patterns? Were there more negatives? And that's where you bring out the jars. Were there failed promises? Was there irritability? Was there resentment when you wouldn't change or wouldn't give information about your passwords? That's what you put into that jar, because you need that tangible reminder of oh, this is not going well.

Speaker 2:

And then, let's say, for whatever reasons, you're still dating this person and time has gone on and now you're together, either married or not, and you're looking at your relationship and you're concerned. You're looking back and thinking I'm not sure I made the right choice. What do I do? How do I know I'm not being unfair? Well, first of all, women are pre-programmed, or socialized, to give people the benefit of the doubt, to listen when men talk, to be patient, to be complimentary. So we're pre-programmed for this kind of nonsense. And so you've got to look at the way we're all socialized because, as Gavin DeBecker said in his book, which is a great book it's called the Gift of Fear. Women have to be prepared to be labeled a bitch. To survive emotionally and healthily, you've got to have that kind of a backbone. You can't be people pleasing and be on alert at the same time. And if you want to take control of your future, keep in mind that one in 10 statistic. Look at the jars that you've put in front of you statistic. Look at the jars that you've put in front of you.

Speaker 2:

And now you're trying to decide what to do with your life because, as I said, you're involved at this point. Well, the next important thing you want to do is surround yourself with experts. Perhaps it is a counselor and you want to go to couples counseling. Perhaps it is consulting with your physician because you're not sleeping well and you're losing weight or gaining weight or developing stomach problems or headaches. You want to bolster your physical stamina and understand. You know your body doesn't lie. So if you're having stress-related health problems, it may not be coming from the date, the guy you're with or the married.

Speaker 2:

It could be other sources. Maybe it could be from your children or your job. That's not impossible. But nonetheless, if you've got stress in your life, you need to deal with it physically and by going to see your physician, by going to the gym, by eating right. All that stuff that you hear about is so, so important. It surely made a difference in my life. Important. It surely made a difference in my life. Another expert that you could invest in if you chose to do so is to hire a PI, a private investigator.

Speaker 1:

I firmly believe in that.

Speaker 2:

They have tools and skills you don't.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely, they know how to use GPS trackers to do surveillance, to do deep internet searches in places you may not be aware of. And, yes, you're going to have to pay for it. You have to decide early on what can you afford. The average is between $500 and $2,000, depending upon things like overtime, travel expenses, database access fees and so on. Only you can decide if your budget can handle that and how many hours you want them invested in. But they're going to be objective and in the process you've got to be prepared for what it is they might find out. So don't launch them and then intend on disregarding everything they tell you. Another expert you might want to consult with is a financial planner. You want to know what and, going into that interview, you already want to know what's paid off, what's owed, and you want to know if you live in one of the nine shared property states in the country, which is Arizona, california, idaho, louisiana, nevada, new Mexico, texas, washington and Wisconsin. That makes a difference in what's going to happen and, although you may not need it immediately or want it immediately, start collecting names of good divorce attorneys if you need one. It's better to have that information than scramble at the last second and pick somebody because you're in a panic situation. So surround yourself with experts. They're going to be objective and they're going to give you information you're not able to get.

Speaker 2:

Another important piece of information once you're knee-deep in the relationship is to gather and review important documents, copy them all and put them on a thumb drive. Put that thumb drive away in a safe place. This would include things like birth certificates, house deeds, adoption papers, marriage certificates, house title, passport, pet licenses and do you have a will? You want to gather that data early, you want to know where it is and you want to have copies of it in case it disappears. Who are the beneficiaries and the co-signers on your accounts? Does that need to be changed?

Speaker 2:

Another piece of advice I give you later on is to strengthen your social connections, particularly if they've fallen aside. Re-establish your old friendships. Perhaps start going to church for the social reasons. If nothing else, volunteer in the community. Reacquaint yourself with your neighbors, but get socially connected because it will help spread your net farther in terms of your energy and feelings of support.

Speaker 2:

If all that is raising your worries, change the passwords on all of your accounts. Change the beneficiaries, and if you are planning on leaving, you've got to start planning ahead. I would strongly recommend you do not tip your hand. I would instead start developing your own savings account. Have a plan in action of where are you going to go, where are you going to live, what's going to happen to your pets, what about your children? You've got a lot of things to consider, and that's a good way to use your time. Rather than lamenting what could have been, should have been, but didn't happen, spend your time planning without tipping your hand, so that when you decide to leave, you are ready to do so. And what some women have done is deliberately leave behind their phone. They have two phones they have a new phone and an old phone. They deliberately leave behind their old phone, which they're not going to take with them, with misinformation on it.

Speaker 1:

Oh, that's clever.

Speaker 2:

Things like bus tickets or flights or a hotel reservation, and then they go in the opposite direction. And, of course, if you're going to do that, take all your important photos and in that process too, the other thing that you want to wrap up and take a hard look at objectively is what's on your social media accounts. Do you need to delete them? Do you need to selectively delete certain posts? Because sometimes we post in haste and looking back you're like, oh, I wish I wouldn't have put that out there, get it off or close it completely. I'm of the favor to say close it completely, but you know, if you can't bring yourself to do that, then at least review it and selectively delete things that could be taken out of context, used against you or in some other nefarious way. That's why I subscribe to Reputation Defender, because Reputation Defender scrubs your data from the Internet.

Speaker 2:

I believe it so fully that I asked a law enforcement officer that I got to know. I said I want you to do me a favor. I want you to go just knowing my name, nothing else see what data you can find about me. And I've gone in many, many times and reviewed my data and I've been very selective what I've allowed and what I've discontinued, like I've allowed information on my books, I've allowed information on my podcast, but anything personal it's gone and he said he couldn't find anything. The way reputation defender works is they call the data and they give it to you and you say yay or nay, is this you or is this not you? And you can go in and selectively delete, delete, delete or let it go. And because you're not like information about my books, I'm not worried about that, I let that go. Or my photography, I let that go. But anything about where I live, where my age is, where I was born, where I went to school, public isn't entitled to know that.

Speaker 1:

What is your last bit of advice that you can give us today?

Speaker 2:

Read Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker and watch the TV series Dirty John and you know. If you have fallen prey to one of these cretins, don't start harping on yourself and beating yourself up. It probably means you're a trusting person and you were socialized to be one. And just start where you are and learn from it. Don't repeat it. Learn from it. Do a psychological autopsy on your behavior. What did I miss? Why did I miss it? What precautions could I have taken that I didn't take? Why did I explain that away? That's much better use of your time than beating yourself up.

Speaker 1:

Well, time is up for today, but we have one more session with Dr Jan Canty, which I am going to be posting this week. It is a sequel to when Jan Is Today, how she Went Through Her Healing Process and this three-step program that she followed. That taught her how to embrace joy and optimism once again. Make sure to follow our podcast and tap the notification button so as soon as I drop the episode, you will be notified. Don't forget to sign up for our newsletter and go down to the show notes, which is just below the title, and check out all of Jan Canty's links. We will talk soon, and this is Gerald signing off Season 1, episode 1 of Skirting Danger. Stay safe, ladies, and live free. Skirting Danger is a One Good Thing. Media production Creator and host is Gerald Spear, our sound engineer is David Dodd and our music Skirting Danger is by Brad Poirier. Skirting Danger.

Speaker 2:

With eyes that see I'm living free, with my chains on me, I stand alone. Thank you.